so i started the book "dear john" yesterday at lunch,
and i finished it this morning.
and it was such a stimulating, thought provoking, heart-wrenching book.
i have to give it nicholas sparks because i think it was the best book he's ever written.
or maybe it's that for the first time i completely relate to the book.
and when i say completely, i mean it.
i know what it's like essentially to be where both he and she are coming from.
i know what it's like to be the long distance girlfriend always waiting for things to change and promises to come through knowing good and well they never will.
and making a decision to be done with it subconsciously and all the while fall in love with someone completely different.
i know much pain and hurt it takes to go through all that.
i know what it's like to admit to yourself and to someone else that you just don't love them anymore.
it's a very hard thing to do.
it's hard to know that you have to break someone's heart and all the while know that you are already moving on and forgetting about them
and that they are hurting and you can't do anything about it.
it hard to watch someone suffer and struggle to find the happiness
that you know deep down, no matter what wrongs have happened,
that they deserve.
and then i know the other side of that when you just let yourself fall head over heels in love.
so deep and so quickly when you least expect it.
and it's hard when it's a love so real, so true, so passionate, so right.
but it's almost like the type of love burns so hot, so fast,
it just burns out as quick as it started.
and more often than not one person is left in dust trying to figure out what went wrong,
and trying to place the blame and all the things that went wrong.
and no matter how hard you try nothing ever makes sense.
but you know that after the damage is done,
things will never go back to the way it was before no matter how badly you want it.
it's hard to not think about all the good days and good times,
and just like in the book it's hard when your love for someone brings nothing but heartache and misery to you and the other person.
it's really hard to let go of the first person you truly loved at some time in your life.
so needless to say this book really hit home fore me.
and i appreciate that in this book there is no 'happy ending'
it's more like the harsh reality of day to day life.
because in real life that's how things really happen.
and sometimes the person you want the most
and the person you pictured your life with so perfectly
will always be just out of reach.
and though your paths were headed the same direction and even crossed at some point in time,
the eventually veer off in two completely different directions.
i've been doing a lot of thinking back to my last semester at college this past year.
well more specifically the last like 6 weeks i should say.
and after i was (for lack of a better word) dumped on my rear end,
i honestly had never been so alone in my life.
i didn't have friends to go hang out with because i stupidly chose a guy over my friends,
which btw i will NEVER do again,
and my best friend was in texas and my family was hundreds of miles away and
at that point skype just wasn't doing it for me,
i was just so alone.
i had no one to spend time with to take my mind off things.
and trust me i had a lot of things to think about because
how can someone who tells you they love you and want to marry you one day
and then the next just not feel it anymore, it made no sense to me.
and i cried all the time.
i spent a least 6 hours a day walking for miles and miles listening to my ipod to mute the incessant noise in my head.
and i spent the 4th of july on my own.
i was at the lowest low of my life.
and i seriously don't know looking back how i did it.
how i made it through such a difficult time.
i can't even begin to explain to you the emptiness and loneliness i felt because i'm sure there are no words to even begin to describe such pain.
but bottom line i DID make it through it.
and i still am everyday i breathe.
well all this leads to my point.
in the book savannah talks about a certain thing that happened to her while in college miles and miles away from her family,
and she talked about how god only tests us the point that we can handle.
he never gives us anything that we can't handle.
and she said that she knew she hit boundary of what she could handle and that it was her limit. and she understood that.
and she said she was grateful for what she went through because she made it through and it made her so much stronger in the end.
well it got me to thinking that i must have been at my limit
and i am so amazed and grateful that i through some miracle made it through.
and you know what?
i am a stronger person now because of it.
i really was at my limit,
but god knows best and i love him SO much for caring enough to test me and push me.
because i can only become a better, stronger person.
and for that i am so blessed and so lucky.
and the last few weeks have been the most care-free, happy times i've had in years.
i really mean it.
and i can feel day by day,
all those wounds that never healed after being dumped
because i so stupidly held on for SO long
hoping that things would go back to the way they were,
those wounds are all healing and i don't feel anything anymore.
i think the thing about true love is letting someone go and let them lead their own life
and just let go of all the things you can't hold on to or change.
i can definitely say the hurt and the feelings of being used and betrayed are almost gone.
i'm not perfect and i have my occasional moments i slip.
i'm still angry about certain things.
mostly how things ended essentially ended for good.
but i can't say i didn't expect what actually happened to NOT happen.
it was like clockwork and i know it was going to end just that way,
because well if he was anything it was thoroughly predictable yet unpredictable at the same time.
and just so you know it's not like i think about it everyday because i don't.
i thought about it as i read this book,
and amazingly it helped me find even more peace than i had before.
i will be happy and i AM happy most importantly.
my life is exactly the way it should be and i couldn't be more grateful.
if anyone even reads this anyways,
i want you to know that there really is beauty in everything,
and that if you try,
you really can find joy in the whole journey.
it IS possible.
i know it.
0 comments:
Post a Comment