life as i see it.

think it is time for moving up and moving on. 

check this out. 

one beautiful life.

things are finally starting to grow!!

i can't wait to eat my cherokee purple tomatoes!

:)

i am admitted-ly a geek.

and so i have to say i am so EXCITED to see harry potter tonight!

me and the brother are going to the midnight showing here in town tonight and i can't wait!!!

i'm sad though that it officially is over.

there's no more books and no more movies!

it's a bummer!

i've spent more than half my life a fan of harry potter.

and now it comes to a close!

but like they say at every end there is a new beginning!

so here's to that!! :)

welp i took out the "trash" today.

and phewwwww wow i feel so liberated!

like i have officially let go of everything that happened pre-xmas 2010.

it has been one heck of a year and it just keeps rolling.

now i can go on fb and not be tempted to 'stalk'

or have an anxiety attack or w/e.

i guess you can just look back and appreciate all the good times,

forgive the bad ones and move on.

and it helps when i dont have to be tempted to see all my 

'mistakes' flaunted.

i hold on for too long because i just feel things too deep.

but it's seriously time to move on.

a new day.

i have WAY more that i am dealing with right now

quite frankly 

and i just dont have any spare energy to waste on anyone right now.

because it's taking me everything i got right now

to make it through everyday.

and i'm okay with that.

lot's of prayers and lot's of faith.

hopefully soon enough things will be looking up.

and hopefully soon enough i can feel excited about things coming up.

it's definitely been a struggle.

but i take it a day at a time. :)

i've been thinking about what i would write in the next blog post over the last few days, but going through some old posts i just wanna name things i am grateful for today.

i'm grateful for:

i am truly blessed and i am oh so grateful today.

no matter how small.

if you're bored and you have some time to google,

look up:

1. the denver airport conspiracy

2. the philidelphia project

SO crazy!!

i am all about cospiracies and stuff

and these are some awesome stories!

well i got some news tonight that has shook up my world yet again.

man this last couple months i really just can't catch a break. i finally got to the point where i was relaxing and learning to trust and gettin along on my merry way and then WHAM! all over in one text message. story of my life i guess. but at least this one wasn't blasted on fb...

 i'm not going to go on and on about how my life sucks and how upset i am and how bad my heart is kinda hurting. because well my heart has taken quite a beating over the last 6 months. but life is messy and stuff happens. so all you can do is put on a happy face and fake it til you make it. and good thing i've been working on my self control issues so this should be easy.

i mean it's on to the next right?!

so i can look at this in 2 ways. 

i'm choosing to see this as a blessing.

i had been really been seriously moving back to rexburg the last 3 months or so. well over the last week i have been contemplating a few things. well first i dont think going back to rexburg is gonna work for me. there are people and memories i could really do without running into. and well memories and the 'me' i would really prefer to forget. and i dont really see a problem with that. and i dont wanna put myself back into the fincial hole i am still trying to climb out of. and well quite frankly i enjoy eating and when you're poor that's not really a luxury.

so i've been doing some research on all the cities that are great for young adults starting out. and what do you know?? salt lake city is one of the #1 choices. so i'm gonna start doing some research and hopefully start making plans to move out that way. and another twist on that is my dad is hoping to be promoted and relocated in the next year or so. so that is another option. but i dont wanna live at home forever...

and the reason why i'm grateful for the text i got tonight is that i've been really thinking about going on a mission again. especially with everything i put myself through over this previous year. i really have learned SO much. and i guess i can see things through a convert's eyes and i know how hard it is to walk away from the worldy aspect of stuff. it really is so hard! my sister's boyfriend thinks i would called to temple square. lol i dont think i would mind that. not because it would be an easy mission but because i would LOVE to serve a year and half and learn about church history and being apart of it! i have always said one of my favorite places to be is in temple square! i just get so excited thinking about taking a year and half of my life and dedicating it to my Heavenly Father and learning how to really rely on him and setting good habits for myself to help me be a better parent at some point. it scares me so much but it's something i think about all the time and still want to do. i know last year i said i was going to go on a mission and i have yet to leave yet. but a lot of that had to do with when i went in to meet with my bishop he talked me out of going, so i just took that as my answer. that no, right now a mission is not in your cards.

but now i'm at this point in my life where i feel like my life is at a standstill. i keep meeting the same kind of guys and keep ending up with the same old kind of heartbreak. i'm sick of doing things how i've always done them. and how come i can't meet an active strong member of the church to date? every guy i've been involved with were guys that i'd have to wait for. and me, being patient and understanding, i am so willing to put my faith in these guys and what do i get?? dumped. plain and simple. it's always the same. i mean i know i'm not really worthy of some 'molly mormon' kind of guy because quite frankly i dont think any of them would be very understanding of the things in my past, but by golly. i am so ready to meet a strong member of the church who could take me to the temple yesterday (that won't dump me so he can marry his 'best friend' that he texted our entire relationship and never told me about.). i know i deserve THAT much. and this is where i vow to try and do things differently. i dont know how that is going to happen, but i have faith that if i continue down the path i am trying to be on, the Lord will provide a way for a man like that to come into my life. but i have to remember it's all in the Lord's time and it will only happen if i'm working on being better and living a life worthy to allow me into the temple. i mean if heavenly father can send an awesome guy from utah out here for krystina, then he sure as heck can send me one. :)

i just want to move somewhere new and try school again and meet different people. it's time for something new because i dont want to spend the rest of my life with all the things i have always settled for. i just now that i really want to go to the temple. and i know now that i will never walk away from or doubt ever again. and i'm ready to commit to this gospel with everything i have for the rest of my forever from this point on. elder holland's talk really got to me. i am so ready to go to the temple and take out my endowments and live by the covenants i will make inside. and i dont really feel like i need to get married to do it. and if that means mission, then i will try again to go. all i know is something needs to change and i need to push myself to reach a little higher from now on. i just can't do this anymore and i dont wanna be stuck in this place i'm in for the rest of my life.

for a long time i thought i lost all my chances to go on a mission and stuff but i think that i just had a little delay and so now i am stronger than ever. but everyday i get a little bit stronger. everyday i choose to smile instead of cry or everyday i turn down a shift beer at work or everyday i choose to think about Christ and my testimony instead of all my bad choices, i get stronger. it's a day to day process and my goal is to make the next day a little bit better than the last. granted i have my good days and weak days..

so tomorrow i'm gonna push forward and smile and try to move on with my life and focus on my goals and all the things i need to push myself to do and to be so i can be someone worth wanting and someone worth wanting to keep around for someone special someday.

so a week ago i got to go to rapid city with my parents and krystina to hear elder holland speak.and i knew i was meant to hear it because i randomly had a saturday off and that never happens!!so needless to say i was way excited. during dinner i got to hear the highlights of the bishops meeting my dad went to on saturday night 

and i was so filled with the spirit from hearing those highlights that i knew i was in for a treat on sunday.

and boy was i right. i wish i wouldnt have waited all week to write down everything he talked about but the things i needed to hear without a doubt have stuck with me all week andi think that is the most important thing.

i'll highlight some of the things my dad told me about his meeting. i guess he started off with a parable if you will about how this man found a giant pearl in a field and sold everything he had to buy this land so he could obtain the pearl. and apparently it was a huge, beautiful, perfect pearl. well this man put in a beautiful wooden velvet lined jewelry box and put it on display for what was it a week or a day for the town to come and admire it.

well after the time period he put it away never to be displayed again. and i dont remember how it came up but the man commented on the fact that in all the time it was displayed and all of the complements that he received no one once mentioned anything about the pearl. all of the complements were about the box that held it.

well elder holland compared this to the gospel in the sense that sometimes we get so wrapped up in all the traditions and the 'box' of the gospel we often forget about the pearl. and by the pearl he meant the basics of the gospel. and i thought it was a really neat analogy because it's so true!

now for the stuff that hit me hardest.

throughout his whole talk he said a lot of wonderful things.

but towards the very end he started talking about how if you're in a boat in the middle of the ocean

and you want to jump into the water and go for a swim, there is nowhere to go but back in the boat or drown.

then he got very stern. 

actually borderline cross and he said something that will stick with me forever;

he said "don't you ever, EVER leave this church! NOW is not the time to be jumping out of the boat and doing a backstroke! there is nowhere to go! you are not smart enough to do this alone. there is nothing out there for you."

talk about a smack right upside the head from heavenly father.

i mean HELLO! 

yeah they say to follow the commandments and we know how hard it is to go through repentance and stuff, but man! it had never been put in that context to me before!

and when i think about it, nothing has ever rang more true for me.

ever.

especially with everything that i had struggled with over the last 8 months or so, and still struggle with on a daily basis. i mean it was easy for me to walk away from everthing but it is a struggle everyday to stay away from it. 

and i'm not kidding. everyday is a new day and a new opportunity for me to become a stronger person, but i am not always strong. and sometimes i get so overwhelmed with how hard i have made things for myself. but hearing that, even though i might be tempted to toe that line, 

i will never come close.

i am going to trust a man who has lived a lot more life than me and can see a lot farther than i can and take his word for it. mostly because i've jumped out of the boat and he's right.

there is abolutely nothing out there for me but temporary and deceiving joy.

there was nothing lasting about anything i experienced.

the thing that people dont understand about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is all of our 'rules.'

well let me break it down. 

we dont have rules, and though sometimes it feels as though we are being held back or fenced in or sheltered if you will, i'll tell you what, i've lived my life according to the gospel i am taught and i have also lived on the other side of the fence and i have done a lot of things i am not proud of.

but one thing i can tell you with all the honesty i have, i had never felt more bondaged and tied down than when i walked away from the church and tried to live my life without it.

and so now the thing that people don't understand is that yes, there are things we are ASKED to do or NOT to do, but we are by no means told WHAT we have to do. we have accountability and we make out own choices because that is te whole purpose of being here on earth is to make out own choices. but those things that we asked to do or not to do because it gives us a life a little more free of pain, a life where we are a little less tied down by THINGS or outside influences. it gives us a life where we can have a clear mind to make better choices in life especially when times get tough. it gives us a way to raise children to live their lives with more happiness and learn to live their lives with more passion and see life in such a bigger way. with an eternal perspective. this gospel has given me the blessing to be sealed to my family for time and all eternity. i've said it a million time and i will say it again, with out my family and my support system i would be nothing. i love everything this church has to offer when it's taken in the right context and when there is an understanding not only of what we are asked to do or not to do but why we are asked to do that.

some of the things i have learned is a lot of the "why's". 

people think we are old fashioned when we are asked to wait until marriage. 

in this day and age it is a difficult thing to do. it gets more and more difficult as time goes on. but one thing i want to teach my children is that they ask us to do that because being close in that way means trusting someone with everything you are and basically giving yourself away to another person. and you will always have a connection to that person for the rest of your life. and we believe that marriage is forever. we avoid divorce with all means possible. there is no 'oh you know if it doesn't work out... etc." it means that when you make a promise to marry someone you are promising to do all that you can to make things work and work together and work at it understanding life is messy and no relationship is perfect. so having said all that when you give yourself to another person and you havent made that eternal commitment with, 1. you can never take that back. ever. and 2. there is no greater pain knowing that you can't ever take it back and seeing that person walk out of your life like it was all no big deal. well in the after math it IS a big deal. you have to carry that the rest of forever. and i hope i can help my children to understand that aspect and not just plainly that 'we wait until marriage'. yes i mean there are consequences but the most important thing is if you wait until your married for time and all eternity you can avoid all that pain of having someone walk away with a piece of you that they dont even care about altogether. with marriage you have made a commitment and without it you have no garentee of anything. through the atonement and repentance all things will be made right, but the scars and the emotional affects take a lot longer to not hurt anymore. but the reason we are asked to wait is to save ourselve from the gut wrenching pain of that.

another thing is we are asked to keep the word of wisdom.

which is where we are asked to stay away from smoking, coffee, alcohol, drugs, etc.

and people laugh at this. and trust me i used to.

but i get it now.

coffee for me is the gateway to other things. plain and simple.

when one drinks alcohol they aren't in their right mind frame and they lose all inhibitions and do things they wouldn't normally do. which isn't always a bad thing. but sometimes the person we turn into is our own worst enemy and that is not a fun feeling.

i know personally i dont like the feeling of not being in control of the things i say, think, or do. 

it's almost more trouble to have to deal with the damage control from the poor choices than to just avoid the situation altogether.

but the reason we are asked of this is to keep our minds clear of things that would inhibit us from making clear minded choices. not to make rules and keep us sheltered from things that would otherwise be considered 'fun' and 'normal'

mmmkay.

now that i've gone on in my rant or whatever, i want to make it clear, i don't judge anyone. there's crap in my backyard so who am i to even think about pointing it out in someone elses. i love people for who they are and not the choices they make or dont make. i can barely keep control of my life and i am not about to start picking apart someone else's. that's honestly not my place. it says on our judgement day we will be judged according to the way we judged others. and to be comepletely honest i dont really find it christ-like. christ would never judge or condemn others because they choose to sin differently from the next person. and i dont think i could consider myself a true christian if i stuck my nose up at others and acted like i was better than them in any way. and like i said, i jumped off the boat and i did a few laps of back strokes before i figured out that in the boat is where i really wanted to be. 

i don't want to drown because of my pride or my hard headed-ness. 

and like elder holland said, now is not the time to be trying to do it on your own.

but i just want to say that i know this church is true. and i know that Jesus and God live and that they love me. i know that they put situations and people in our lives to make us stronger and to teach us things. i know that in time as i strive to make things right and i try to live my life as Christ would have me do and understand that life is a day to day thing; there are good days and bad days, and leave room for forgiveness of myself and others of out human weaknesses that i can live a full and happy life and that everything will be made right according to his will. i belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints.

and i hope to have the opportunity to have family and try to teach my children with love and understanding the things i have learned and come to love about the gospel i have been taught.

the day of lyndsie's graduation we found out that my grandpa had passed away in his sleep.

it was really sad news.

but he has been sick for years with emphysema.

and so i am just happy for him that he is not suffering anymore.

but this brought on a lot of realizations for me.

i look back and i took for granted that he would always be here.

and there were things i wanted to pick his brain about

especially when it comes to family history things

and most of all i felt regret.

regret that i didnt get to know him while he was still here on earth.

sure i had spent plenty of time with him as a child,

but like i said, things chnge when you get older because you can have an adult kinda relationship and i ever had the chance or i guess in better words never made the chance to have a relationship with him.

and that guilt and that sorrow has been weighing so heavy on my mind.

and it saddens me.

while i was in california for his memorial services i got the opportunity 

to learn about his life, and see how he spent his days, to stay at his house.

i felt like i got to have sort of a fast track relationship with him.

and the the first night i stayed over there i could just feel his presence there with me,

comforting me and letting me know that it really was o.k.

after all this isn't the end right?!

and it was like i could hear his voice sayin hey jessie!

and like i could feel him giving me a huge warm hug.

and though i know i am going to have to learn to move past this,

i know that it's o.k.

mom made a huge poster board of pictures of grandpa throughout his life

and going through old pitures of me as a baby and my grandpa,

i could just see how much he loved me and how happy he was.

i know this will sound dumb,

but i never knew how much my grandpa loved me until i took that trip.

i could see it in every picture right in front of my eyes.

it's things like that you never notice as a kid.

you just see it as a good smiley picture.

and i just felt so much love being there in sacremento.

i do have to say that even though i never had a terrific relationship with my grandfather,

i do have the upmost respect for him.

because when my mom was a kid he kinda just let her do her own thing and never really questioned it.

from the time she shaved her eyebrows off and him acting like he didnt notice to the moment my parents joined the church.

he is the only person who has never given us any grief about our choice of religion.

and for that i respect that. 

i know it's not easy to accept the way things can be or the choices that people make, 

and it's hard to keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself,

but i respect him for that.

for never giving us any grief on the things we believe.

i do love my grandfather very much.

and i know he was a very honorable and loving man.

and i am so grateful for,

as hard and eventful as the week was,

that i was able to go to california and spend the time with my family and get to know my grandfather even though he has moved on in this next stage of things.

we got the opportunity to spend quite some time down ad the VFW

where my grandfather quite frequented and it was so much fun getting to know all of the people that cared about him the most.

heck i go the chance to sing karaoke in the canteen!!

and it was a blast.

it was a time in my life i will never forget and i will forever hold those memories close to my heart.

God be with you 'til we meet again.

in memory of patrick l. murphy

january 11, 1935-May 15, 2011

some good and not so good.

but the most important thing is that it is memorable. :)

during our easter egg hunt i got the golden egg!

yay me!

my baby sister turned 18 and then graduated high school. so weird!!