the best talk i ever heard.

so a week ago i got to go to rapid city with my parents and krystina to hear elder holland speak.and i knew i was meant to hear it because i randomly had a saturday off and that never happens!!so needless to say i was way excited. during dinner i got to hear the highlights of the bishops meeting my dad went to on saturday night 

and i was so filled with the spirit from hearing those highlights that i knew i was in for a treat on sunday.

and boy was i right. i wish i wouldnt have waited all week to write down everything he talked about but the things i needed to hear without a doubt have stuck with me all week andi think that is the most important thing.

i'll highlight some of the things my dad told me about his meeting. i guess he started off with a parable if you will about how this man found a giant pearl in a field and sold everything he had to buy this land so he could obtain the pearl. and apparently it was a huge, beautiful, perfect pearl. well this man put in a beautiful wooden velvet lined jewelry box and put it on display for what was it a week or a day for the town to come and admire it.

well after the time period he put it away never to be displayed again. and i dont remember how it came up but the man commented on the fact that in all the time it was displayed and all of the complements that he received no one once mentioned anything about the pearl. all of the complements were about the box that held it.

well elder holland compared this to the gospel in the sense that sometimes we get so wrapped up in all the traditions and the 'box' of the gospel we often forget about the pearl. and by the pearl he meant the basics of the gospel. and i thought it was a really neat analogy because it's so true!

now for the stuff that hit me hardest.

throughout his whole talk he said a lot of wonderful things.

but towards the very end he started talking about how if you're in a boat in the middle of the ocean

and you want to jump into the water and go for a swim, there is nowhere to go but back in the boat or drown.

then he got very stern. 

actually borderline cross and he said something that will stick with me forever;

he said "don't you ever, EVER leave this church! NOW is not the time to be jumping out of the boat and doing a backstroke! there is nowhere to go! you are not smart enough to do this alone. there is nothing out there for you."

talk about a smack right upside the head from heavenly father.

i mean HELLO! 

yeah they say to follow the commandments and we know how hard it is to go through repentance and stuff, but man! it had never been put in that context to me before!

and when i think about it, nothing has ever rang more true for me.

ever.

especially with everything that i had struggled with over the last 8 months or so, and still struggle with on a daily basis. i mean it was easy for me to walk away from everthing but it is a struggle everyday to stay away from it. 

and i'm not kidding. everyday is a new day and a new opportunity for me to become a stronger person, but i am not always strong. and sometimes i get so overwhelmed with how hard i have made things for myself. but hearing that, even though i might be tempted to toe that line, 

i will never come close.

i am going to trust a man who has lived a lot more life than me and can see a lot farther than i can and take his word for it. mostly because i've jumped out of the boat and he's right.

there is abolutely nothing out there for me but temporary and deceiving joy.

there was nothing lasting about anything i experienced.

the thing that people dont understand about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is all of our 'rules.'

well let me break it down. 

we dont have rules, and though sometimes it feels as though we are being held back or fenced in or sheltered if you will, i'll tell you what, i've lived my life according to the gospel i am taught and i have also lived on the other side of the fence and i have done a lot of things i am not proud of.

but one thing i can tell you with all the honesty i have, i had never felt more bondaged and tied down than when i walked away from the church and tried to live my life without it.

and so now the thing that people don't understand is that yes, there are things we are ASKED to do or NOT to do, but we are by no means told WHAT we have to do. we have accountability and we make out own choices because that is te whole purpose of being here on earth is to make out own choices. but those things that we asked to do or not to do because it gives us a life a little more free of pain, a life where we are a little less tied down by THINGS or outside influences. it gives us a life where we can have a clear mind to make better choices in life especially when times get tough. it gives us a way to raise children to live their lives with more happiness and learn to live their lives with more passion and see life in such a bigger way. with an eternal perspective. this gospel has given me the blessing to be sealed to my family for time and all eternity. i've said it a million time and i will say it again, with out my family and my support system i would be nothing. i love everything this church has to offer when it's taken in the right context and when there is an understanding not only of what we are asked to do or not to do but why we are asked to do that.

some of the things i have learned is a lot of the "why's". 

people think we are old fashioned when we are asked to wait until marriage. 

in this day and age it is a difficult thing to do. it gets more and more difficult as time goes on. but one thing i want to teach my children is that they ask us to do that because being close in that way means trusting someone with everything you are and basically giving yourself away to another person. and you will always have a connection to that person for the rest of your life. and we believe that marriage is forever. we avoid divorce with all means possible. there is no 'oh you know if it doesn't work out... etc." it means that when you make a promise to marry someone you are promising to do all that you can to make things work and work together and work at it understanding life is messy and no relationship is perfect. so having said all that when you give yourself to another person and you havent made that eternal commitment with, 1. you can never take that back. ever. and 2. there is no greater pain knowing that you can't ever take it back and seeing that person walk out of your life like it was all no big deal. well in the after math it IS a big deal. you have to carry that the rest of forever. and i hope i can help my children to understand that aspect and not just plainly that 'we wait until marriage'. yes i mean there are consequences but the most important thing is if you wait until your married for time and all eternity you can avoid all that pain of having someone walk away with a piece of you that they dont even care about altogether. with marriage you have made a commitment and without it you have no garentee of anything. through the atonement and repentance all things will be made right, but the scars and the emotional affects take a lot longer to not hurt anymore. but the reason we are asked to wait is to save ourselve from the gut wrenching pain of that.

another thing is we are asked to keep the word of wisdom.

which is where we are asked to stay away from smoking, coffee, alcohol, drugs, etc.

and people laugh at this. and trust me i used to.

but i get it now.

coffee for me is the gateway to other things. plain and simple.

when one drinks alcohol they aren't in their right mind frame and they lose all inhibitions and do things they wouldn't normally do. which isn't always a bad thing. but sometimes the person we turn into is our own worst enemy and that is not a fun feeling.

i know personally i dont like the feeling of not being in control of the things i say, think, or do. 

it's almost more trouble to have to deal with the damage control from the poor choices than to just avoid the situation altogether.

but the reason we are asked of this is to keep our minds clear of things that would inhibit us from making clear minded choices. not to make rules and keep us sheltered from things that would otherwise be considered 'fun' and 'normal'

mmmkay.

now that i've gone on in my rant or whatever, i want to make it clear, i don't judge anyone. there's crap in my backyard so who am i to even think about pointing it out in someone elses. i love people for who they are and not the choices they make or dont make. i can barely keep control of my life and i am not about to start picking apart someone else's. that's honestly not my place. it says on our judgement day we will be judged according to the way we judged others. and to be comepletely honest i dont really find it christ-like. christ would never judge or condemn others because they choose to sin differently from the next person. and i dont think i could consider myself a true christian if i stuck my nose up at others and acted like i was better than them in any way. and like i said, i jumped off the boat and i did a few laps of back strokes before i figured out that in the boat is where i really wanted to be. 

i don't want to drown because of my pride or my hard headed-ness. 

and like elder holland said, now is not the time to be trying to do it on your own.

but i just want to say that i know this church is true. and i know that Jesus and God live and that they love me. i know that they put situations and people in our lives to make us stronger and to teach us things. i know that in time as i strive to make things right and i try to live my life as Christ would have me do and understand that life is a day to day thing; there are good days and bad days, and leave room for forgiveness of myself and others of out human weaknesses that i can live a full and happy life and that everything will be made right according to his will. i belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints.

and i hope to have the opportunity to have family and try to teach my children with love and understanding the things i have learned and come to love about the gospel i have been taught.