well i got some news tonight that has shook up my world yet again.
man this last couple months i really just can't catch a break. i finally got to the point where i was relaxing and learning to trust and gettin along on my merry way and then WHAM! all over in one text message. story of my life i guess. but at least this one wasn't blasted on fb...
i'm not going to go on and on about how my life sucks and how upset i am and how bad my heart is kinda hurting. because well my heart has taken quite a beating over the last 6 months. but life is messy and stuff happens. so all you can do is put on a happy face and fake it til you make it. and good thing i've been working on my self control issues so this should be easy.
i mean it's on to the next right?!
so i can look at this in 2 ways.
i'm choosing to see this as a blessing.
i had been really been seriously moving back to rexburg the last 3 months or so. well over the last week i have been contemplating a few things. well first i dont think going back to rexburg is gonna work for me. there are people and memories i could really do without running into. and well memories and the 'me' i would really prefer to forget. and i dont really see a problem with that. and i dont wanna put myself back into the fincial hole i am still trying to climb out of. and well quite frankly i enjoy eating and when you're poor that's not really a luxury.
so i've been doing some research on all the cities that are great for young adults starting out. and what do you know?? salt lake city is one of the #1 choices. so i'm gonna start doing some research and hopefully start making plans to move out that way. and another twist on that is my dad is hoping to be promoted and relocated in the next year or so. so that is another option. but i dont wanna live at home forever...
and the reason why i'm grateful for the text i got tonight is that i've been really thinking about going on a mission again. especially with everything i put myself through over this previous year. i really have learned SO much. and i guess i can see things through a convert's eyes and i know how hard it is to walk away from the worldy aspect of stuff. it really is so hard! my sister's boyfriend thinks i would called to temple square. lol i dont think i would mind that. not because it would be an easy mission but because i would LOVE to serve a year and half and learn about church history and being apart of it! i have always said one of my favorite places to be is in temple square! i just get so excited thinking about taking a year and half of my life and dedicating it to my Heavenly Father and learning how to really rely on him and setting good habits for myself to help me be a better parent at some point. it scares me so much but it's something i think about all the time and still want to do. i know last year i said i was going to go on a mission and i have yet to leave yet. but a lot of that had to do with when i went in to meet with my bishop he talked me out of going, so i just took that as my answer. that no, right now a mission is not in your cards.
but now i'm at this point in my life where i feel like my life is at a standstill. i keep meeting the same kind of guys and keep ending up with the same old kind of heartbreak. i'm sick of doing things how i've always done them. and how come i can't meet an active strong member of the church to date? every guy i've been involved with were guys that i'd have to wait for. and me, being patient and understanding, i am so willing to put my faith in these guys and what do i get?? dumped. plain and simple. it's always the same. i mean i know i'm not really worthy of some 'molly mormon' kind of guy because quite frankly i dont think any of them would be very understanding of the things in my past, but by golly. i am so ready to meet a strong member of the church who could take me to the temple yesterday (that won't dump me so he can marry his 'best friend' that he texted our entire relationship and never told me about.). i know i deserve THAT much. and this is where i vow to try and do things differently. i dont know how that is going to happen, but i have faith that if i continue down the path i am trying to be on, the Lord will provide a way for a man like that to come into my life. but i have to remember it's all in the Lord's time and it will only happen if i'm working on being better and living a life worthy to allow me into the temple. i mean if heavenly father can send an awesome guy from utah out here for krystina, then he sure as heck can send me one. :)
i just want to move somewhere new and try school again and meet different people. it's time for something new because i dont want to spend the rest of my life with all the things i have always settled for. i just now that i really want to go to the temple. and i know now that i will never walk away from or doubt ever again. and i'm ready to commit to this gospel with everything i have for the rest of my forever from this point on. elder holland's talk really got to me. i am so ready to go to the temple and take out my endowments and live by the covenants i will make inside. and i dont really feel like i need to get married to do it. and if that means mission, then i will try again to go. all i know is something needs to change and i need to push myself to reach a little higher from now on. i just can't do this anymore and i dont wanna be stuck in this place i'm in for the rest of my life.
for a long time i thought i lost all my chances to go on a mission and stuff but i think that i just had a little delay and so now i am stronger than ever. but everyday i get a little bit stronger. everyday i choose to smile instead of cry or everyday i turn down a shift beer at work or everyday i choose to think about Christ and my testimony instead of all my bad choices, i get stronger. it's a day to day process and my goal is to make the next day a little bit better than the last. granted i have my good days and weak days..
so tomorrow i'm gonna push forward and smile and try to move on with my life and focus on my goals and all the things i need to push myself to do and to be so i can be someone worth wanting and someone worth wanting to keep around for someone special someday.
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