last night i could not sleep at all

i have had so much on my mind it's almost obnoxious!

but as i was laying there i decided that i'm gonna try and post at least something on here everyday.

especially with me trying to get my life in the place i want it, 

it should be good for me to write things down even if it is in a blog.

i also decided that i'm gonna make a personal blog for just me to see to use as almost a journal if you will. 

i have too much to say to actually sit down and write and if i save it to a blog i dont have to worry about ever losing all that stuff if my computer crashes or when i get a new one.

i have a lot of memories and feelings about the last few months that i need to just let it all out somehow.

because one of the people i used to talk to about these kinds of things,

i dunno if i trust them anymore and the only other person i want to talk to well they just dont care.

SO

i decided that maybe given the situation i need to just depend on me for a while to get it all out.

and i guess it's better that way in the long run

because i dont really want any outside influences trying to sway me.

i ave no idea where my life is headed right now.

and i think i'm okay with it.

i know i was the one that put me on this path and i'd say i'm gonna do all these things to fix it and all my plans for the rest of my life, but when it seems i make up my mind to do something i do the complete opposite. 

so i've just decided to live the way i did when i was 17 and just let life take me where it's meant to, and fix everything on my time and just let things be.

this is hard for me to do because i have become quite the control freak, but i know how my mind works, haha so i'm gonna use reverse psychology on myself, if you will.

i'm not making plans, i'm not gonna say i'm gonna do this or that,

i'm gonna just do.

that sounds like something a hippie would say.

but it makes sense in my mind.

i can't let myself or anyone down if i dont make concrete decisions just to turn around and do the complete opposite.

no more.

i'm just gonna work at clearing my head and trying to move past things that have haunted me for many years and finally seek forgiveness of some people and just try to move on.

i do see the blessings of all this and it helps me when i focus on all the good that could and will come from all this.

more good has always come from my bad situations than bad, and i'm just ready to put it in the past and move forward.

it's not gonna happen overnight and i'm not gonna sit here and be like starting now it's all gonna be gone because it's not that easy or simple.

but everyday things will get a little better and it will be easier for me to be happier as i get closer to the light at the end of this tunnel i'm in.

and i'm looking forward to the future.

whatever it may bring.