bright and early

it has been quite the month. 

it has been about 4 weeks in a row of this and i know why it's all going bad, 

i just wish it could be better and i know i'm the only one that can fix this at this point.

i'm really glad i decided to come home.

i have an amazing support system and i think it's just what i need for now.

i'm hoping in a year to have everything paid off so i can go to art school.

i would love to move somewhere onthe eastern side of the country because i've never been there and the way i see it is well why not??

i'm hoping by next christmas to have everything paid off, to have a new computer and a really great camera so i will have a place to start.

i have a lot of learning to do if i wanna be great and i can totally do it!!

i've decided that i am done with dating.

i dont trust any guys period.

and i know that is a serious problem that i'm gonna have to work through eventually,

but right now i'm totally happy with not being involved with anybody.

there is one person that if we lived closer to each other and IF he decides to change his whole life around then maybe one day we'll get to be together.

but that's a huge IF and i'm not holding my breath.

and he says it could happen but he definitely doesn't care as much as i do about it.
in fact i really doubt that he cares at all.
and i doubt he even wants the same things i do.
and i dont even want much.
but whatever.

he has the dumbest friends i think anyone could ever have

and they have been nothing but just down right awful to me

and i would love nothing more than for him to just kick them both to the curb and realize that life is not a game, and it's not for fun, and you dont have to be jerk to everyone.

i think if these friends weren't in the picture that he'd be a different person because i know how he is around me,

and i think i like that person wayy better.

but that is asking wayyy to much and frankly i'm not gonna sit around getting my heart broken over and over waiting for it to happen.

i did that with my first relationship and i will never ever do that again.

so i guess he did me a favor from sparing me the 'long distance' relationship

because in certain situations i don't and can't trust him and he knows why.

he's still one of my best friends but it kills me everytime i see these stoopid friends on fb.

i'm sick of their ignorance in thinking they know what the situation is when they dont,

i'm sick of them assuming i'm just like all the other girls that he's brought around,

because i'm not anything close to it.

and i'm sick of him not standing up for me.

but i guess its like who are they that we need to explain?

but that's just me making excuses.

i know what's coming is gonna hurt worse than everything 

but i just dont wanna hear about it.

out of sight outta mind.

it just hurts when you know the one you really care about is doing things they know will hurt you but they dont care.

actually sometimes i wonder if i'm just holding my breath and hanging on to something i need to just let go of already...

that's what i've been teetering with the last couple days.

do i just break it all off and say look this is the way things are and if you care then do something about it, but if not then i dont want anything to do with you?

if i was smart i would.

but we all know i'm not the wisest person out there given the choices i've made these last few months.

i just hate when things get complicated.

why do things ALWAYS end up complicated when it comes to me and having a relationship.

i'm just done.

if you want a chance haha good luck because i'm not biting.

and you will be shot down.
i've just given up hope that someone can actually change my mind and actually prove me wrong for once.

now i'm all for having friends and quite frankly i get along better with guys than i ever will with girls probably because of my amazingly awesome male mentality.

so if you wanna be friends i'm game but if you try, i will most likely shoot you down so be prepared.

that's why being here in nebraska is amazing because i have absolutely NO interest in dating anyone i meet here.

nope no thanks.

and dont even get me started on girls that i'm close to.

you have done me dirty WAY too many times

and i want you to know that i caught you in a HUGE lie

and i'm disgusted and glad that i finally know the truth.

 there is nothing i HATE more than being lied to.
absolutely nothing.

and especially finding out about it.

oh man i'm disgusted.

and i know this particular guy is long gone and i could care less about the whole situation in general,

but the fact that you lied to me,

i'm not having it.

but on the bright side it's early in the morning, 

and we're decorating the christmas tree tonight and i'm hoping to feel some christmas cheer today!

so now that i'm done venting, and i'm sure there will be more posts to follow,

i get to move on with my day and maybe do some christmas baking and some job huntin.

so yeah.

have a fantastic day!

i'm gonna try!