jumping off.

welp.

it's been too long i'm feeling.

i used to use this as my way to vent and blow off steam and i haven't lately.

actually in like 5 whole months and i'm so sad about that.

so much has happened in the last few months.

things that have completely changed and changed the course of my life.

things i'm happy about and not proud of at the same time.

i think everything happens for a reason and i know for a fact that we meet the people that we need to meet in the very moments we need to meet them.

and i also think that certain things and situations are presented in front of us for a reason too.

granted i know we all make concious decisions and we choose our own battles, 

i still think it could go both ways.

sometimes i go back to the first night that everything changed 

and i wonder what would have happened or where i'd be right now had i just moved on with my life instead of the choice that i made.

dont get me wrong, i dont regret my choice one bit.

nor will i ever.

i know it all happened the way it was meant to.

it doesnt make it any easier,

and i know for the time being i need to let go,

but deep down i know that you'll find the right path.

and i know one day when you realize i've been here the whole time,

waiting,

things will be amazing and they will finally play out the right way

the second time around.

i feel it.

but you need to understand that it's your choice.

i've made mine, now you need to make yours.

i dont want to force change because life isn't that easy where we can just snap our fingers and have a different perspective.

but it's a sad moment when you realize you might just be the first person to ever see the good in someone.

and not because they aren't good,

but because they've never had someone in their life that had the ABILITY to see it.

when their whole life they've been compared and brought down and forced to be something they aren't.

if there is anything i know,

it's that it's not a bad thing to be who you are.

someone once told me i will have the blessing of faith to accept what i am and who i am and move from that point onward.

i think a lot of it has to do with the family i have and the support system behind me,

and it makes my stomach sick to know that someone wouldn't have that kind of support behind them.

like i've always said i see you for who you are and i wouldn't want to change one thing about you.

it's okay to still want to be a kid, i understand that.

and i hope that never changes, but in different ways than you know.

i hope that one day you too can accept who you are and what you are and know that you not only have a heavenly father who loves you and looks out for you, 

but that there is someone here on this planet that loves you too.

that they love you very much and hope one day you can see the things that they do.

so then one day you can too move from that point onward.

if there's one thing i know is that we can get through anything.

i look at how we've come so far and i hope to never lose you.

i just know that from this point onward i'm going to be different from how i am.

and i hope one you will see that, yes, i've been down there with you

and i'm going to work hard to be in a higher place. 

and i dunno maybe through all of this we were meant to have this bond or whatever it is that we share,

and maybe for once someone can change your mind and give you hope.

i hope i can be that example to you and also to other people.

i know that my calls to service are never going to be easy or convenient.

and it always leads me to the VERY last place i wanna be.

but let me tell you what. 

it has been worth it everytime.

and maybe i needed to go through all this to be on a level that now most people my age are.

i understand what they feel now and i get it. 

i really do.

but there is sooo much more to life.

there is so much that is so far beyond our comprehension.

and looking back at this moment i can't believe, with especially everything that i've been through this year, that i had ever lost sight of that.

i'm going to make it right.

and i'm not gonna forget this place i'm in now.

this is something i hope to always keep with me for many reasons.

i see now what i need to do and how make things right.

everything is so clear.

and unlike every other time before,

i dont feel dark and empty and far gone.

and maybe because i've had such a strong testimony.

and even that waivered for a bit.

but i'm gonna be in a better place and i'm gonna do the right thing.

it's not going to be easy

and i dont expect it to be,

and i have a lot ahead of me,

but i need to be strong.

i'm going to be strong.

and i'm going to move on from this,

and i'm going to be stronger in the end.