sorting it all out.

11:36 PM | Labels: inspiration, life

the last few days have been and emotional rollercoaster for me, but in a amazingly good way.

i'm avoiding being depressed at all costs and so i'm trying to nip it in the bud before it even blossoms.

lucky for i am pretty sure i caught it on time!

after a couple unnecessary blow ups at one person,

an emotional breakdown that no one knows about til now,

and him trying to tell convince me i was depressed,

i decided to finally start that just for me blog to write whatever i want.

what i feel, things i remember, tiny details, names, etc.

and spending basically a whole day writing,

i was able to work out A LOT in my head.

things i've held in for months,

things that have caused me to like stew to the breaking point and caused me to act completely irrational.

and it was like once i started i couldn't stop and things just came pouring out of me that even i didn't even realize were bothering me so much until that point.

it was such a weight off of my shoulders!

and my mind felt more clear than it has in months.

and i felt a wave of peace come over me.

i realize now there are things that i need to let go, people i need to forgive, situations i need to move past, and most important a couple people i need to make amends with.

they say that we treat the people that we care about most the worst.

and i have been the biggest culprit.

and i don't know why i felt the need to take out all of my frustrations with everyone on one person and it certainly was not fair to him.

granted there are things that need to get worked on between the both of us, but i think i need to start writing down my feelings and trying to understand why i feel that way instead of just aiming it at someone.

even if they do deserve it a little.

or not.

lucky for me he stuck around.

i have no idea why,

but i'm not asking questions

and i'm not gonna complain.

i'm just lucky i guess.

and another thing that really hit home for me was me and my sisters watched

EAT PRAY LOVE.

if you are struggling,

this is a fantastic movie.

i honestly have never been so moved, but maybe because i can kinda relate to the main charactor.

but it's just uplifting and inspiring

and maybe just the kick that i needed to for me to finally WANT to put my life back in the right direction.

i know it's the right thing, and i know that i should,

but i've been struggling with the want part.

and i think i'm finally getting to the point where i want that.

one thing i realized while watching this movie was that i've always made good changes and i've always done the best i could to be a good and righteous person.

but it's always been so easy for me to get a little sidetracked and fall on my butt and turn around again.

and it seems to be a bad cycle.

but i realized that everytime i've turned my life around or tried to be better i have always done it for or because of someone else.

whether because i knew it's what my parents wanted, or to be that example to my other family because they are always watching us, or for my best friend, or to be an example for a struggling boyfriend, or for my ex boyfriend to want me back...

and so on...

but i have never done it for me.

i've never just taken time out for me.

to figure out me.

i always have all these outside influences pushing me this direction or that,

and so in turn, i build this strong foundation on just sandy ground.

and i never truly understood that parable until just now.

but i think it's time for me to take a break and figure out me and do this on my own for me,

and realize that the only person i need to change for is me.

the only person i really need to please is my heavenly father.

his is the only opinion that matters.

this is a quote from eat pray love:

"So the holy truth of the whole adventure here in India, is in one line: "God dwells within you...as you." God's not interested in watching a performance of how a spiritual person looks and behaves. The quiet girl who glides silently through the place with a gentle, ethereal smile...who is that person? It's Ingrid Bergman in "The Bells of St. Mary's" – not me. God dwells within me...as me."

just some food for thought.

i went to church today with a smile on my face knowing that things are gonna work out.

i just gotta keep my head up and keep moving forward.

and all the negativity i feel i need to let it out so i dont blow up.

today:

i'm grateful for the power of writing

i'm grateful for the power of music

i'm grateful for the people in my life who stick with me through thick and thin